there goes again.

ive been thinking all-day about my life almost 24/7 and i think im going to die by choking of my thoughts.

you know what

i never fell in love truly.
none.
i was afraid to admit that until now.

wait maybe i have...
(anyway i guess u must have found that out already like a 100 years ago w)

cant sleep today.
i woke up at 6 am today but im not sleepy yet.
this is rare.
since ive been working at sales department, it didnt happen.
something stuck inside me. no doubt.

one day, when i was having lunch with a girl at my work,
talking about love life, something came up in my mind.

when i got trouble with boys, ive been running away from them.
try not to see what happened exactly, try not to see the dirty side so that i will never get hurt.
but i wasn't harmed by anyone.
i was just disturbed.
they disturbed my life and i was upset so i went away from them.
ive never loved anyone.
i was just seeking someone who doesn’t get closer to me but yet feeling comfortable to be at the side. thats all.
if anyone get close to me, or scared me out by not answering my calls or something, i felt "disturbed" and gave up on them.
how lonely woman i could be. there goes again. this is helpless.
i never gonna find a husband if i keep living like this. never.
this is seriously hopeless. im so sucks. God this isnt helping!
mumbling on the weblog, keep showing how pity i am is so not helping!
how many times i do this or how many times do i ask these same questions to myself whole my life im tired im tired
please make me stop to think this way pls
why am i like this small and weak person
why cant i say "help" to someone who i see.
i am so weak
and they know.
they, the people around me at work, at private like friends.
they all know.
i may be the last one that doesnt know im weak.